To God, Whom I Hate
by Luna Aiello
Summary: Just a short, sad drabble about Lenalee's hatred towards God and Innocence when she loses her 'world'. LaviLena. T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**Guess who's back~! And this time, I'm gonna tear your heart to pieces :'3 Don't really know what inspired this, but here ya go!**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own DGM or any of the characters, just the writing.**

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The warm summer breeze drifted across the fields, the grass swaying in its caress, barely disturbed by the girl that walked across it's length as the afternoon sun beamed down upon her frame. The 17-year-old girl strolled the familiar path, coming to a stop when she met with the one she had come to see.

"Lavi…" Lenalee's voice was soft, eyes trained on the sky. "Sorry I haven't visited in a while, there's been so many missions lately and I couldn't get away."

The wind lightly lifted her hair from her shoulders, eyes closing to enjoy the rare warmth of the rays touching her face.

"So many things have changed over the past few months, though everything still seems the same. Allen still eats his weight in food, Kanda still gets in fights all the time, and Brother still has his crazy sister-complex, though I think he's realized I'm not interested in boys or relationships. It's kind of.. strange, I guess. The Order is so busy all the time and there are so many people, but it still feels so empty…" a light sigh escaped her, sliding past her soft lips.

The Chinese girl slowly sank down, smoothing her skirt against her legs before hugging her knees to her chest, the small decorative chains clinking against the rose cross of her uniform. Small, light grey clouds drifted across the sky, occasionally floating in front of the sun and casting shadows over the stretching meadows and rolling hills. Lenalee's violet eyes dropped to her silent companion, then to the ground as tears welled up and caught on her eyelashes.

"I still remember that first day, you know. Probably not as well as you, but I still remember. The first time I said 'I love you' and you just held me like I'd never been held before. God, I miss that feeling of your arms around me… you still never said it back, either…" her voice shook on the last sentence, but she laughed anyway.

"You thought I'd forgotten, huh? Well I didn't, I noticed every time that you never said those three words back to me…"

The tears that she had held back in front of everyone else finally spilled over, leaving tracks down her cheeks before she pressed the ends of her sleeves against her eyes, as quiet, broken sobs wracked her body. Everything escaped her, all the pent up frustration and anger and sadness and pain poured out of her in sobs and screams until her voice refused to work anymore. She hated this. She hated forcing a smile and going on as if nothing had happened, but the only thing she hated more was seeing the pain on her brother's face, or the guilt that weighed down on Allen, or the way the others all tip toed around her when she cried.

"I HATE YOU!" Lenalee suddenly bellowed at the sky, the tracks turning to rivers on her cheeks. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, DAMN INNOCENCE!"

The raven-haired girl cried her heart out, cursing God and the Earl and Innocence and the Order all at once, until finally, she collapsed on her side, curled in on herself and shaking. After a while of whimpers and hiccups, she pushed herself up into a sitting position, leaning against the cold head stone that was engraved with the name 'Lavi Bookman' and nothing else. The Order had to keep regulation and the body was burned to ash, but she had secretly gotten a grave marker put out here at their hidden spot, out of sight from Headquarters. They had always come here when they could, usually to watch the sunset, which right then was streaking the sky in brilliant shades of red and orange that only conjured a more vivid mental image of her love to mind.

"Why would you leave me Lavi..? You promised you wouldn't go and die on me… Liar…" she murmured to the wind, her voice floating away and dying with the setting sun. As darkness settled over the land around her, all the fatigue – both physical and emotional – got the better of her and she slowly drifted to sleep, propped against the grave of the only boy she had ever loved…

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**So, what do ya think? I have a chapter two for this, but I might leave it at this? Let me know what you think :3**


	2. Chapter 2

Earlier that same day, a tall male had been traveling by train to London, sitting alone in his private compartment. In truth he wasn't even meant to be going back there but something deep in his heart pulled him towards the empty land behind the Black Order HQ, something so strong he couldn't resist even if he tried. Upon arriving and exiting the train, he had to pull his beanie over his head and his long coat tighter around him as he made his way through the city and towards his destination. While carefully navigating the forest, the sound of a heart-breaking scream reached his ears; turning his cautious pace into a sprint so fast you could almost miss him. As he ran, panicked thoughts swirled through his mind, recognizing the sound of pain in the all too familiar voice. By the time he reached the edge of the forest the sun had already set, the last traces of light tinting the horizon a soft shade of blue. He paused in the line of trees, gaze falling on a girl propped against a gravestone and a jolt of fear propelled him forwards once again.  
"Lenalee?" he whispered, kneeling beside the girl and hesitantly leaning forward.

To his relief, she was breathing, and the lightest snore was coming from her as she slept. A pang of guilt hit him, noticing the marks left on her cheeks from crying and the way she whimpered even in her sleep. He stood again; leaning down to scoop her into his arms and hold her protectively against his chest, her head coming to rest just above his heart. His breath stopped for a few seconds as he watched Lenalee stir, eyes fluttering halfway open and finding his face.  
"Lavi...?" she murmured, not sounding fully aware of anything.

"You're dreaming Lenalady." He replied, smiling softly and hoping that trick still worked.

It did, her eyes closed again, and her breathing slowed back to that of a deep sleep. Slowly and carefully, the young Bookman made his way towards the HQ, thinking of how he would get her inside without being noticed. His eye fell on his hammer which was still in it's holster on his thigh before traveling up to the balcony that he knew belonged to the younger Lee's room at the back of the large building. With a sigh, he shifted the girl in his arms to grab his Innocence, the weapon's head becoming larger without him even giving the command and he dug the point into the soft ground. He held the girl of his dreams more securely against him, his other hand tightening on the handle as he positioned his feet.

"Grow, grow, grow." Lavi said quietly, aiming towards the right balcony and enjoying the small thrill he always got from zooming through the air.

He reached his destination quickly, lightly hopping onto the railing before stepping down onto the floor and retracting his hammer back into it's tiny form. The redhead silently opened the doors and stepped into Lenalee's room, taking in the familiar sights and smells that he had missed so much, before gently putting her into bed. He slipped off her little red shoes, placing them next to the door the way she liked, and then skillfully took off her uniform jacket without disturbing her slumber. Her Innocence clinked lightly as he removed her leggings then pulled the blanket over her small frame. It burned; it truly burned him in the most horrible way. Just seeing her – seeing how he had affected her – added more pain to the deep, aching hole in his chest. And even as he prepared to leave, that heart he shouldn't have pounded against his ribs in protest. The redhead knew he shouldn't- couldn't stay with her. Technically, he was dead and who in their right mind would want to date a ghost? No one. She deserved better. He never should've let it go that far in the first place, but because he had, now she was paying the price.

"Goodbye Lena…" Lavi whispered, leaning over her to place the lightest kiss on her forehead. "I love you."

And with that, his last confession, he disappeared out the way he'd came, ignoring the pain in his chest and the sting behind his eye.


End file.
